We stumbled upon this article and love its theme that the words we use have a profound effect on children. The author, Amanda Morgan, has some great insights and thoughts we wanted to share with you. You can check it out here.
By Paula Bowlby, Associate Early Childhood Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
As long as I can remember, my one and only goal in life was to be a mom. I would dream about being a mom. I would play with dolls and babysit to practice for my future. Twenty-five years ago, I became a mommy for the very first time. It was a long and hard pregnancy which taught me that being a mom starts before the baby is in your arms. He was worth every second that it took to bring him into this world. So much so, I made the conscious decision to be pregnant two more times!
Recently I stumbled upon this quote- “Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”
As parents, I’m sure you can identify with the quote. All those years ago, as I was dreaming about being a mommy, I didn’t realize the responsibility it entailed. I didn’t realize that I could love someone so much that sometimes it literally hurts. The fear and the joy, the ups and the downs that all come with being a parent are things you can’t plan on.
I am thankful for my faith and that I know that I never walk this road alone. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and my children more than I can ever imagine. I am thankful for the example of Jesus of how to love someone more than myself. The best part is that even when I have a hard time forgiving myself, I am forgiven. This parenting business is downright hard sometimes. Live in God’s grace for yourself and your children. Teach them that they are loved more than they can ever imagine by their Creator. Being loved and knowing that their identity is in Christ is the best gift you can give, and that gift lasts a lifetime.
Remember, you don’t want “she kept a clean house” to be what you are remembered for. Intentionally leave a legacy for your children and others. Be who God is calling you to be. Your kids will do the same.
Once again, we are honored to share another insightful post written by our co-worker, Erica Hunt. Erica is an Associate Pastor with our Emerging Generation youth ministry here at Woodland Hills Church.
It feels like I blinked a few times and suddenly we have three teenagers in the house. People always told me it would feel like that, but in the groggy years of their infancy and the harried years of pre-school and early elementary, the idea of teenagers seemed like a stage of parenting that would never arrive.
One of the many changes we’ve noticed in this season is the increased difficulty in sitting down together for dinner. This used to happen every night, but now there are work shifts, piles of homework, social plans and the standard teenage angst that makes a meal together more rare. Still, we try to have one meal a week that includes intentional conversation about faith, life and the intersection of the two. Some of these conversations have been surprisingly engaging for all of us, and I get a glimpse into the more complex thoughts and questions that come with their developing brains and expanding worldviews.
Recently, our dinner conversation was prompted by a postcard we received from the St. Paul Police Department. The card informed us that a Level 3 Sexual Offender would be moving into the neighborhood, within a block from our house. We passed the card around the dinner table for each of them to read and then share their thoughts on the question, “As Christ-followers and engaged neighbors, what should our response to this information be?”
There were a few clarifying questions, but then we dove into this tricky conversation. A few things jumped out at me. They all had the perspective that this conversation mattered in a very real way. While the specific house address was not provided, they have a strong sense of place in our neighborhood, where we’ve lived for almost 16 years. We know a lot of people and, whether we ever personally encountered this person or not, they had a sense of ownership in their neighborhood and spoke about what kind of place they wanted it to be for everyone.
Any thread of unity that came from their shared sense of ownership was short-lived as their personal opinions came through. One daughter was adamant that we should extend the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance. We should assume that he learned his lesson and is a reformed person. Another daughter was equally passionate about her caution. How could we be so sure that he wouldn’t recommit the crime? Details of the offense were not provided, but statistics suggest that teenage girls might be at a greater risk around a male convicted sex offender. She admitted that she was a little bit afraid. The third daughter brought a philosophical angle as she asked about why he would do what he did and wondered how it affected the people who loved him. She considered if he had children, a wife, good friends and how much they might be missing him.
Our dialogue on this matter is ongoing and no answers or conclusions have been reached. We were all reminded that difficult questions are not resolved quickly. In addition to the questions of justice, grace, wisdom and loving neighbors that started our conversation, it also became an experiment in having a meaningful conversation with someone with whom you disagree.
In reflecting back on this dinner table conversation, I’m grateful for this season of life. We get to walk with our kids as they gain more independence in their interpretations of faith, life and the intersection of the two. It’s terrifying, exhilarating, exhausting and full of hope. Kind of like the toddler years…but different.
By Teresa Sayles, Children’s Creative Arts Director
Woodland Hills Church
The past two weeks, we’ve talked about how our picture of God shapes our faith and our identities and how creating family values together and working to integrate those values into daily life is key in creating a unified and loving home. I’d like to build off those ideas today and look at character.
Character is the mixture of habits, behaviors, and thought-patterns you possess. These characteristics are grown and shaped by your values and by how you understand and relate to the world around you. They’re the kind of things people usually use to describe who you are (aside from how you look). “Oh, she is so thoughtful and kind toward others.” “He’s the kind of guy who keeps his promises and takes responsibility for his actions.” “She’s got courage and bravery off the charts!” We all want to have a character that can be described in positive ways that reflect our faith and our life with Christ. And we want that for our kids, as well.
So how do you help a child develop that kind of character? What grows and shapes a child’s character more than anything else? Learning by example. A young child begins reacting to and mimicking the behavior she sees almost immediately. Like a set of building blocks, she takes one piece of information, sets it in her mind, and uses it as a base for another new piece of information. Which means that what she sees and experiences in relation to others helps her develop an understanding of what is valued and what is not, what can be trusted and what to be wary of. When she is told hitting her brother is not okay because it hurts her brother whom she and your family love, she learns that others need to be valued and not hurt and that forgiveness can be given when we mess up. When she is praised for helping to clean up toys, she learns cooperation and lending a hand are valued and encouraged. Knowing these values are held by people she cares for and trusts, she will likely begin to develop characteristics of helpfulness, care for others, and forgiveness. Will she do it right every time? Not a chance. But with continual love, grace, and gentle discipline, she can also add perseverance and determination to her character.
As children get older, parents and family members still have a great deal of influence in a child’s character (often more than you’d think), but there come two added factors with age: peer relationships and culture. Interacting with peers from the late elementary years into the teen years gets really tricky – Often, values and identities kids have had since infancy are put to the test, which shakes up character and causes some wonky behavior and thought-patterns. Though he’s always been told he’s loved and forgiven at home, a child may experience something different from classmates and friends. In order to gain their attention and acceptance, he may chose to set aside family values such as honesty and obedience and lie to his friends that he can play a certain video game even though the truth is that’s a game his parents have said no to at home.
So what do you do when this happens? Have they lost their character? Nope. The best thing to do: Don’t freak out. Plain and simple. Kids will – like you – make mistakes. They will let something else tell them what is true, who they are, and what they should value, and that will drive them at times to behave in negative ways. Steer away from just pointing out their mistake and telling them not to do that again. It doesn’t get at the root issue. The root issue in this instance is the child wants to get something of his identity and worth from his peers. That’s what you really want to help him tackle. Help him in see the truth of who he is in Christ and how lying and disobedience pull him away from the incredible young man God made him to be – a child of God who is full of potential and love and talent. This will likely have a more lasting effect than simply grounding him for bad behavior. Through respectful dialogue (not a lecture), he can take part in the conversation, voice his own concerns and frustrations and feelings, and learn how to work out the deeper issues he’s dealing with each day.
Kids want to be heroes – look at the movies and games they watch and play. They want to be brave, honest, and successful like their “heroes.” We just need to help them learn that building a character based on Christ and Kingdom values is the best way to get there.
By Paula Bowlby, Associate Early Childhood Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
Spring time is knocking at our door. With one of my children, this most often meant a phone call from the school. It seemed like every spring, the phone would ring and the teacher would let me know that my child had become comfortable at school, was talking too much and needed some redirection. We would sit down and talk about behavior, respect and the consequences of their actions. We would come up with a plan to apologize to the teacher and how to move forward. The common theme during these interactions was respect.
Respect was one of our values as a family. Respecting others, property and ourselves was talked about often. Service was another value in our family. Each of the kids as they grew picked some way to serve and to give back. These values have stuck with them as they have grown, and I see fruits of what was taught.
Proverbs 22:6 says “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” This Scripture shows some intentionality and gives a directive. Many versions say, train up a child. I believe in each family, this looks different. We were all raised with a set of values; sometimes we embrace the values we were raised with while at other times we customize those values, adding our own spin. Your children will do the same, but it is up to you to intentionally lay down that foundation. My oldest child and his friend were talking with me one day. His friend was trying to make a decision and asked for my input. My son looked right at his friend and said, “She isn’t going to tell you anything different that I did. I got my morals and values from her.” He was right – we said the same thing.
Now, I know this is a blog post. Most blog posts don’t come with homework. This one does. I encourage you to Google or go on Pinterest where you will find hundreds of personal core value charts. It is a super fun exercise to look the charts over and whittle the list down to 3-5 values. Look them over. If you are married, compare your list to your spouse’s. What is common? What is different? Which values would you like to pass on to your children? What would you like your family to stand for? What would your family rule poster look like?
In our family we-___________________________________________________. You fill in the blank and intentionally live out Kingdom values in your family and share them with the next generation.
We are delighted to feature another post written by Erica Morrow! We hope her humble and insightful words will help you to answer God’s call for your family with a resounding, “Yes!” as well.
I find great joy in being a mother, I adore my three children, and I cherish the responsibility of crafting experiences along the way for them that will shape their view of the world. But in many, many moments, I have to self-talk away the shame of the “not enoughs” that come with being a mom. My children (while I love them dearly) cause me on the regular to send SOS texts imploring friends to pray for their safety and mine when I am losing my patience or sensing my head about to explode. And that experience crafting business? Well let’s just say that errands to Target and distracted multitasking tend to win again and again over intentionality.
My heart wants it. Everything in my soul is longing to take this life work of parenthood and to bring good, true things into it. To sing the song that only I can sing over my children as they grow, to nurture their spirits and stubbornly hold fast to the important things God has for them to learn along the way. And in this last season, God is slowly unclenching my fists and teaching me what it means to deepen my roots as a follower of Jesus, with eyes and ears attuned to His priorities for my family, not mine.
Three kids and a decade into parenting, I can safely say that the method of hoping I’m on the right track with this and wishing my way into the kind of home we want to create is a myth. Pinteresting quotable phrases and reading the right parenting books won’t actually get us there. David and I talking over coffee in the mornings about how we need to change our schedules to make room for more simplicity and intentionality won’t get us there. Yes, those are things that point us down the road, but at some point I need to take a breath, stop trying to do a hundred things in the space for one thing, listen to the Holy Spirit, and then take a physical step in the direction of God’s wooing and compelling voice. He is beckoning me and my family to a place where our hearts long for the things His heart longs for. Where our priorities are the things He prioritizes. Where my deepest joy in motherhood becomes the work of finding wonder in the world all around me and simply aligning my life so that we encounter it more and more.
And something really amazing has happened as I have allowed God to reshape my intentions. I have found a place of serious grace and unrelenting mercy for my shortcomings in motherhood – where I would previously just default to the “not enough” zone, God is speaking new words over me. Words that sound a little like this: “You are equipped through me to do what I have called you to do.” “Let me refresh you, my child.” “Let’s walk this road together.” And this, if you can even believe it: “You ARE enough.” And a funny thing happens when I start to listen to the voice of truth instead of all the others. I am freed up to start thinking creatively about who I am and who our family is. We are His and securely rooted in His love, so heck yes to that crazy thing that will be hard but so good. And yes, yes, and yes to opportunities to adventure with my children into places that aren’t necessarily convenient or rational, but are completely and abundantly spirit led.
So, Mexico. I’m taking the two elementary-aged kiddos from our family to Puebla in April with a group of 17 parents and kids from Woodland Hills. When God speaks words of confidence into my life and my parenting, it frees me up to be brave and say yes to adventures – the very adventure I was speaking of earlier that can help shape the way my children see the world. The crazy thing is that when I believe that true voice which reminds me that He is my sustainer in motherhood (and all the things), the opportunities to respond to that seem like they flash in front of me on bright and shiny billboards. Maybe those opportunities are always all around us, but with truth as my guide, my eyes can be wide open enough to see them. And sometimes for me, the big yeses strengthen my heart for the often more difficult small ones. I have a feeling that if we want to learn about what God loves and find out what he is passionate about, this is a good place to begin. We know that His love for the kids at Esperanza Viva is passionate and extravagant, and together as parents and children we will be students of that love as we play, sing, craft, dance, and do life together for the week.
My prayer is that as my family and I seek out and respond to opportunities to love what God loves, we will be slowly transformed more into His likeness. That our experiences and interactions in Mexico and all of the other opportunities to come will not only impact us in those moments, but that they will carry over to the breakfast table. I think of Mexico as another step towards that voice that woos us, and my dream is that my children (and I!) would learn that life offers no better adventure than the one that is following the heart of our Father.
By Paula Bowlby, Associate Early Childhood Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
Lately, I have been asking myself, how do my words and actions build up others in a positive way, in an honest way and in a Kingdom way. In this instance, when I think about the Kingdom I look at it in two ways: 1. How does God see me and others? 2. How can I help others see themselves as God sees them?
I stumbled upon a graphic on Facebook several months back and I saved it. I keep going back to it to see how I implement some of the ideas those around me. http://www.dyslexicadvantage.org/?s=66+positive+things+to+say+to+your+child
66 Positive things to say to your child is the title but upon taking a closer look, I saw God speaking to me and you in these words. As a child of God, we are seen by God and loved by God in ways that we can only imagine. Imagine yourself talking to God. He is saying all these words to you.
- Your words are meaningful
- I love being your parent
- You are important
- Your opinions matter
- You make me happy
- I trust you
- I forgive you
- You can try again tomorrow
- I could never stop loving you
- You are enough
- I love you
As you build your children and others up, remind them that God feels this way about them. Sometimes as parents and friends, we need to hear the words first. Jesus says to you: I love you, you can try again tomorrow, you are enough.