We stumbled upon this article and love its theme that the words we use have a profound effect on children. The author, Amanda Morgan, has some great insights and thoughts we wanted to share with you. You can check it out here.
By Paula Bowlby, Associate Early Childhood Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
As long as I can remember, my one and only goal in life was to be a mom. I would dream about being a mom. I would play with dolls and babysit to practice for my future. Twenty-five years ago, I became a mommy for the very first time. It was a long and hard pregnancy which taught me that being a mom starts before the baby is in your arms. He was worth every second that it took to bring him into this world. So much so, I made the conscious decision to be pregnant two more times!
Recently I stumbled upon this quote- “Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”
As parents, I’m sure you can identify with the quote. All those years ago, as I was dreaming about being a mommy, I didn’t realize the responsibility it entailed. I didn’t realize that I could love someone so much that sometimes it literally hurts. The fear and the joy, the ups and the downs that all come with being a parent are things you can’t plan on.
I am thankful for my faith and that I know that I never walk this road alone. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and my children more than I can ever imagine. I am thankful for the example of Jesus of how to love someone more than myself. The best part is that even when I have a hard time forgiving myself, I am forgiven. This parenting business is downright hard sometimes. Live in God’s grace for yourself and your children. Teach them that they are loved more than they can ever imagine by their Creator. Being loved and knowing that their identity is in Christ is the best gift you can give, and that gift lasts a lifetime.
Remember, you don’t want “she kept a clean house” to be what you are remembered for. Intentionally leave a legacy for your children and others. Be who God is calling you to be. Your kids will do the same.
Once again, we are honored to share another insightful post written by our co-worker, Erica Hunt. Erica is an Associate Pastor with our Emerging Generation youth ministry here at Woodland Hills Church.
It feels like I blinked a few times and suddenly we have three teenagers in the house. People always told me it would feel like that, but in the groggy years of their infancy and the harried years of pre-school and early elementary, the idea of teenagers seemed like a stage of parenting that would never arrive.
One of the many changes we’ve noticed in this season is the increased difficulty in sitting down together for dinner. This used to happen every night, but now there are work shifts, piles of homework, social plans and the standard teenage angst that makes a meal together more rare. Still, we try to have one meal a week that includes intentional conversation about faith, life and the intersection of the two. Some of these conversations have been surprisingly engaging for all of us, and I get a glimpse into the more complex thoughts and questions that come with their developing brains and expanding worldviews.
Recently, our dinner conversation was prompted by a postcard we received from the St. Paul Police Department. The card informed us that a Level 3 Sexual Offender would be moving into the neighborhood, within a block from our house. We passed the card around the dinner table for each of them to read and then share their thoughts on the question, “As Christ-followers and engaged neighbors, what should our response to this information be?”
There were a few clarifying questions, but then we dove into this tricky conversation. A few things jumped out at me. They all had the perspective that this conversation mattered in a very real way. While the specific house address was not provided, they have a strong sense of place in our neighborhood, where we’ve lived for almost 16 years. We know a lot of people and, whether we ever personally encountered this person or not, they had a sense of ownership in their neighborhood and spoke about what kind of place they wanted it to be for everyone.
Any thread of unity that came from their shared sense of ownership was short-lived as their personal opinions came through. One daughter was adamant that we should extend the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance. We should assume that he learned his lesson and is a reformed person. Another daughter was equally passionate about her caution. How could we be so sure that he wouldn’t recommit the crime? Details of the offense were not provided, but statistics suggest that teenage girls might be at a greater risk around a male convicted sex offender. She admitted that she was a little bit afraid. The third daughter brought a philosophical angle as she asked about why he would do what he did and wondered how it affected the people who loved him. She considered if he had children, a wife, good friends and how much they might be missing him.
Our dialogue on this matter is ongoing and no answers or conclusions have been reached. We were all reminded that difficult questions are not resolved quickly. In addition to the questions of justice, grace, wisdom and loving neighbors that started our conversation, it also became an experiment in having a meaningful conversation with someone with whom you disagree.
In reflecting back on this dinner table conversation, I’m grateful for this season of life. We get to walk with our kids as they gain more independence in their interpretations of faith, life and the intersection of the two. It’s terrifying, exhilarating, exhausting and full of hope. Kind of like the toddler years…but different.
By Patrick Showers, Associate Elementary Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
The Power of Story
“Once upon a time” … or “in a galaxy far far away” may be familiar tag lines of popular stories, which are very entertaining, but they don’t compare to the power of another kind of story.
A few years back, my wife and I prayerfully decided we wanted more children. At this point, we already had three young daughters. I really wanted to have a son but felt confident the genetic jackpot would land on female this next round. I wasn’t sure I could handle being outnumbered 5 to 1. God placed a desire on our hearts to adopt, and we went from there. We discovered our desire to adopt an African-American boy was well received. Several months of paperwork and waiting followed, and then suddenly we got a call. We drove through the night and arrived in Nashville. The baby and birth mom were still at the hospital. As soon as we saw this little one, we fell in love. After spending some time with his birth mom, a bond began to form. The following day we headed home.
My son loves to hear this story, especially the part about us falling in love with him and later when his sisters went gaga over him. It reminds him of who he is and that he is part of our family. His story merged with our story that day. My wife has done a wonderful job of creating scrapbooks with photos from each year of our family’s existence. The kids love to go through and talk about those times.
The power of our story is rooted in reminding us of our value, our importance, and our identity. My children love to hear their birth stories as a milestone of their being part of our family. God’s story is powerful in the same way. The fall of man, the birth of Jesus, his death, and his resurrection all highlight his amazing love, but also our immeasurable value to the Father. Sharing the God’s whole story during Easter is a great way to help kids merge their stories with his.
Another powerful story is our testimony. Sharing how we became Christ followers, how our trajectory was diverted and our story merged fully with God’s gives our children insight into our hearts and a glimpse of being a part of a much bigger family – God’s family. In a way, our testimony is our adoption story. God adopted us, and when we embraced him as our Father, we became his children.
I encourage you to share stories during this Easter weekend.
- Tell the story of each child’s birth or adoption (be sure to share what you felt)
- Tell God’s whole story – the need for a savior, for a price to be paid, and his victory as well as what it means to us.
- Tell your faith story and let your children know why you decided to follow Christ.
- Talk about your faith story as your birth story/adoption story and how you are a child of God’s now.
The power of these stories is their ability to remind us of our identity, our value, and connect us. Let your stories be told, retold, and continuing to be told a milestone.
By Teresa Sayles, Children’s Creative Arts Director
Woodland Hills Church
The past two weeks, we’ve talked about how our picture of God shapes our faith and our identities and how creating family values together and working to integrate those values into daily life is key in creating a unified and loving home. I’d like to build off those ideas today and look at character.
Character is the mixture of habits, behaviors, and thought-patterns you possess. These characteristics are grown and shaped by your values and by how you understand and relate to the world around you. They’re the kind of things people usually use to describe who you are (aside from how you look). “Oh, she is so thoughtful and kind toward others.” “He’s the kind of guy who keeps his promises and takes responsibility for his actions.” “She’s got courage and bravery off the charts!” We all want to have a character that can be described in positive ways that reflect our faith and our life with Christ. And we want that for our kids, as well.
So how do you help a child develop that kind of character? What grows and shapes a child’s character more than anything else? Learning by example. A young child begins reacting to and mimicking the behavior she sees almost immediately. Like a set of building blocks, she takes one piece of information, sets it in her mind, and uses it as a base for another new piece of information. Which means that what she sees and experiences in relation to others helps her develop an understanding of what is valued and what is not, what can be trusted and what to be wary of. When she is told hitting her brother is not okay because it hurts her brother whom she and your family love, she learns that others need to be valued and not hurt and that forgiveness can be given when we mess up. When she is praised for helping to clean up toys, she learns cooperation and lending a hand are valued and encouraged. Knowing these values are held by people she cares for and trusts, she will likely begin to develop characteristics of helpfulness, care for others, and forgiveness. Will she do it right every time? Not a chance. But with continual love, grace, and gentle discipline, she can also add perseverance and determination to her character.
As children get older, parents and family members still have a great deal of influence in a child’s character (often more than you’d think), but there come two added factors with age: peer relationships and culture. Interacting with peers from the late elementary years into the teen years gets really tricky – Often, values and identities kids have had since infancy are put to the test, which shakes up character and causes some wonky behavior and thought-patterns. Though he’s always been told he’s loved and forgiven at home, a child may experience something different from classmates and friends. In order to gain their attention and acceptance, he may chose to set aside family values such as honesty and obedience and lie to his friends that he can play a certain video game even though the truth is that’s a game his parents have said no to at home.
So what do you do when this happens? Have they lost their character? Nope. The best thing to do: Don’t freak out. Plain and simple. Kids will – like you – make mistakes. They will let something else tell them what is true, who they are, and what they should value, and that will drive them at times to behave in negative ways. Steer away from just pointing out their mistake and telling them not to do that again. It doesn’t get at the root issue. The root issue in this instance is the child wants to get something of his identity and worth from his peers. That’s what you really want to help him tackle. Help him in see the truth of who he is in Christ and how lying and disobedience pull him away from the incredible young man God made him to be – a child of God who is full of potential and love and talent. This will likely have a more lasting effect than simply grounding him for bad behavior. Through respectful dialogue (not a lecture), he can take part in the conversation, voice his own concerns and frustrations and feelings, and learn how to work out the deeper issues he’s dealing with each day.
Kids want to be heroes – look at the movies and games they watch and play. They want to be brave, honest, and successful like their “heroes.” We just need to help them learn that building a character based on Christ and Kingdom values is the best way to get there.
By Paula Bowlby, Associate Early Childhood Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
Spring time is knocking at our door. With one of my children, this most often meant a phone call from the school. It seemed like every spring, the phone would ring and the teacher would let me know that my child had become comfortable at school, was talking too much and needed some redirection. We would sit down and talk about behavior, respect and the consequences of their actions. We would come up with a plan to apologize to the teacher and how to move forward. The common theme during these interactions was respect.
Respect was one of our values as a family. Respecting others, property and ourselves was talked about often. Service was another value in our family. Each of the kids as they grew picked some way to serve and to give back. These values have stuck with them as they have grown, and I see fruits of what was taught.
Proverbs 22:6 says “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” This Scripture shows some intentionality and gives a directive. Many versions say, train up a child. I believe in each family, this looks different. We were all raised with a set of values; sometimes we embrace the values we were raised with while at other times we customize those values, adding our own spin. Your children will do the same, but it is up to you to intentionally lay down that foundation. My oldest child and his friend were talking with me one day. His friend was trying to make a decision and asked for my input. My son looked right at his friend and said, “She isn’t going to tell you anything different that I did. I got my morals and values from her.” He was right – we said the same thing.
Now, I know this is a blog post. Most blog posts don’t come with homework. This one does. I encourage you to Google or go on Pinterest where you will find hundreds of personal core value charts. It is a super fun exercise to look the charts over and whittle the list down to 3-5 values. Look them over. If you are married, compare your list to your spouse’s. What is common? What is different? Which values would you like to pass on to your children? What would you like your family to stand for? What would your family rule poster look like?
In our family we-___________________________________________________. You fill in the blank and intentionally live out Kingdom values in your family and share them with the next generation.
By Patrick Showers, Elementary Associate Pastor
Woodland Hills Church
Several years ago, when my oldest daughter was in kindergarten, she came home all excited to share a picture she had drawn of me. My first reaction was pride and then confusion. She had drawn me, in her detailed stick figure way, standing. Now, this was about a year after I had become paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. So, I was unsure what to make of her drawing. I realized that even though she interacted with me daily in a wheelchair, she still saw me as the dad who chased her around, held her in his arms, and carried her to bed when she was younger. Her image of me as her strong, caring protector hadn’t changed even if my ability to stand had.
Fast forward to my youngest child. He, too, came home with a picture of me, but this time he drew me as sitting. He still saw me as the caring, strong protector, but he didn’t have any framework for me as a dad who could stand. I’d been in a wheelchair his whole life. The drawing was more accurate, but both pictures saw me in the same way.
I wondered how accurate my mental picture of God would be if I could show it to him. Would my concept of his character and traits align with reality?
Several years ago, researchers, decided to survey Americans to see how they viewed God. Respondents’ answers typically identified one of four conceptions of God:
- Image #1 = Powerful or Angry Father – Father as angry judge; Jesus as loving innocent son. A courtroom image that primarily presents God as offended King/Judge and presents us as evil subjects/criminals.
- Image #2 = Distant, Disinterested Dad or Mysterious Spiritual Force. He/It is out there, but I’m not really on the radar
- Image #3 = Kindly, Old Santa Claus. Happy God where all kids get presents! And there is no “naughty” list!
- Image #4 = Critical, legalistic Father. He’s watching every move you make and constantly judging whether you’ve got it right or wrong.
In the Bible, we find we can know God by looking at Jesus, whose life and ministry demonstrated a God who is love. Not an ordinary type of love, but selfless, unconditional, sacrificial, relentless, passionate, forgiving, merciful, and unstoppable love.
When you hear the word “God,” what comes to your mind’s eye? Does your picture of God match what’s described in the Bible, or is it more like one of the four images researchers identified in America?
Even though both of my children had different pictures of me, both still saw me as loving, strong, and protective. I would hope as they get older their image of me would remain unchanged in that regard. Their image of me was cultivated by their relationship with me, the time we spent together, and their experiences.
For us, our life experiences, the people around us, and even the culture heavily influence our image of God. The more we stay connected to Him relationally, the more accurate our image of Him will be.
Over the years, I’ve asked 5th & 6th graders to share their mental image of God, and the responses always vary. Some have an accurate image of him and others share one of the distorted views. I’m not sure what experiences in their young lives have caused these differences in their understanding of who God is, but I do believe that we as parents are major influencers of that image.
Periodically in your child’s life, ask him/her the question, “What is God like?” and see how he/she responds. Be prepared to share your perspectives, as well. You can use this as a litmus test to determine whether he/she is on track or if you need to guide him/her back into alignment.
So, I challenge you to read through the Gospels and see if you need to clarify or update your image of God to align with the accurate picture described in the Bible. Our relationship and our trust in him is impacted by any negative or distorted perceptions of him. When we have a strong relationship with God, we not only model that to our children, but we inadvertently serve as a positive influence for their image of God, as well.